Admittedly, I am a sap for the American Idol program. Call me what you will, I don't care. It is a guilty pleasure of mine. Go on, it's ok for you to admit it too. For those of you across the pond, it's a knockoff of Pop Idol which I guess is called X Factor over there now, where Simon also sits at the judging table.
However, my motives aren't exactly innocent. They are quite sinister.
Clearly, Simon is the star of the show. With every word he utters, he can make or break the young wanna-bes, er I mean hopefuls. And the more demeaning the criticism, the harder I laugh.
Sometimes he's the only one in the room that's blasting the contestant, but clearly he's not the one that's off the reservation.
Of course there's also Paula "Big Softie" Abdul. Keep an eye on her and her semi-sober or semi-drugged state, it is amusing. Also in the past two episodes, has she fired her hair and makeup artist? She looks like her age is catching up with her. Either that or she's letting her eyebrows grow out, they're looking absolutely bushy. She's been struggling of late to say anything that makes sense. She makes less sense than a stutterer lately. T-t-t-t-today Junior! Please Paula, get some help. Actually I take that back, don't get help so we can laugh at you more mercilessly as the days go on.
And then there's Randy "Yo Dawg Middle of the Road" Jackson. Not as soft as Paula and not as hardcore as Simon. You do your thing Randy as I wait for the real star of the program.
Back to Simon. I don't know if he's slipping lately, his criticisms seem to be very repetitive. His usual repertoire is as follows:
- too cabaret
- too karaoke
- like a lounge singer in some ghastly airport somewhere
- you have the personality of a pencil
- personality of a pen salesman
- lounge singer
You get the idea. Simon, go ask Nigel and Piers for some better more original put-downs. I'm sure Ann Robinson from The Weakest Link is still around as well. But still, job well done. I can't wait till you make the first contestant cry this season. You'll find me on the floor then.
Ok, I'm all done with my Perez Hilton impression, however close to the truth it is.